New York City is the center of the universe. While we knew each other very well beforehand, New York allowed us to become even better friends while living in a 3-bedroom apartment that was designed as a 1-bedroom.
At one point, Carter lived in a room that received no sunlight while JD had his “closet”, aka a rack he drilled into drywall, fall on him not once, but twice as he slept. We had a TV fall out of the other side of the same wall and break. We experienced a cavalcade of roommates, from the eternal Joe Johnson, our initial culinary shaman, to Pete Spring, the legal legend. Eric Montfort remains #1 in our hearts and #27 in your programs for the Long Island Lizards. Kegan remains #1 in “cat?” and princessing.
One of the peaks of living in this Lower East Side “home” was the breadth of restaurant options all around us: Wildair right around the corner. Attaboy, where JD took many Hinge dates. There was the dollar pizza place where one of us once left a work laptop overnight, and whose pizza boxes signified to the line outside the club under our apartment that we were old and washed up when we came home at 10:30 grumbling at them to “get the f*** out of the way”.
These restaurants allowed us to expand our horizons and spend money we may or may not have had. It was a chance for Carter to say dumb things like, “I love how peppery this radicchio salad is, it really complements the minerally taste of this Pinot.” JD had the opportunity to put ranch on so many new foods.
In conjunction with this exquisiteness of the culinary scene is the city’s professional basketball team, the New York Knicks, a colorful bunch who, well, aren’t quite at their zenith. But that doesn’t mean one can’t taste the delights of the earth with these professionals because they aren’t revealing championship rings to the sommelier.
While these Knicks would not light up any Eater or Infatuation “Best of” guides, they offer some interesting parallels for dining in the city. So, we took the time to build a guide of how and who to eat your way through New York with.
Friendly disclaimer: the restaurants we are comparing these players to are likely much, much better in their respective spheres than say, Julius Randle is at basketball. So, this is less about a comparison of quality, than it is a comparison of ambiance, feeing, je ne sais quoi.
With all that being said, we would like to welcome you to the inaugural edition of ‘Dining with the Knicks’.
J.D. Crabtree: Let’s boogie.
Go grab a table at Empellón Al Pastor with Allonzo Trier.
Nothing screams orthodox dining more than Empellón Al Pastor, so awkwardly choose between the bar and open window seating as you wait on your dear combo guarding friend, Allonzo Trier. Whether it be the pseudo-posh Murray Hill location or the beatnikish East Village outpost, the Pastor gives diners the essence of dining in deep Mexico without forgoing the comfort of Ubering back to studio at any moment. And that’s exactly what Allonzo Trier provides the New York Knicks, the idea of rolling out a starting shooting guard, entirely prepared to retract the idea at any time.
Allonzo, similar to his taqueria counterpart, is relatively new and looks quite spicy from the outside. He provides a mix of ball-handling, AAU notability, and shooting consistency to always keep you slightly interested. So when the wait is too long at your first spot, why not go here. It is a backup option after all, your social clout can’t be entirely destroyed by the performance.
Is it a bar? Is it a restaurant? Can he play point? Should he be the 6th man?
No one truly knows. And most of us have no time to find out.
Standout item: The Lunch Prix Fixe, a choice of salad and tacos
Best for: Dining solo when your Bumble date bails. Deep, deep 2s. A steal and dunk here and there. Last minute sit-down dinner extravaganzas.
Carter Pearson: J.D. — that’s a…wait for it… spicy margarita take.
I’m going to cheat a little bit, as the Knicks are trying to do, and combine 3 players into 1. I speak of the Knicks mediocre, tall Cerberus Their troublesome threesome. The Sad Appetizer Sampler of Power Forwards.
I’m here to talk about Bobby Portis, Marcus Morris and Taj Gibson. They are each different locations of The Smith.
If you live in a moderately sized American city, you’re becoming more and more familiar with the Smith. It’s basically Applebee’s, but with better design. It is our generations Chili’s, with less shit on the walls.
Taj Gibson is the original, in the East Village. He was once a great player. He played 40 minutes a night for a 60-win Bulls team. If he was in your neighborhood and you ate there once a week in 2009, I have no fault with you.
Bobby Portis is the Midtown Smith. He was drafted 22nd in 2015 and was surrounded by other shit players like Rondae Hollis Jefferson, Justin Anderson, Nikola Mulitinov, and R.J. Hunter. The Midtown Smith is surrounded by very shitty intern and UN bars where youths go to black out and spend their parents’ money (shouts to Turtle Bay).
(Side note: do you remember how fun that Georgia State team with Hunter was? He made a 30-footer with 2.6 seconds left to beat 3-seed Baylor, who I’m sure were well coached. His Dad tore his Achilles’ tendon celebrating and coached the next game from a stool. Hunter, the younger, was taken in the first round by the Celtics, played in 45 total NBA games, and now plays for Turk Telecom in, your guessed it, Turkey. Life comes at you fast.)
Marcus Morris is the exact opposite of Bobby Portis in terms of draft status and location, but basically the same guy. Portis almost killed Nikola Mirotic? Morris will raise you “getting ejected from a pre-season game”. But, while Portis was a shit player drafted near other shit players, Morris was drafted before some studs. Therefore, he’s the Union Square Smith. You could’ve done so much better, but you settled.
Three picks before Morris — Klay Thompson.
The pick before — his brother Markieff, which lol. I don’t think this can possibly be discussed enough.
The pick after — Kawhi. Whoops.
After that — Vucevic. Do you want 20-10? Or a history of violence?
Two picks later — Tobi Harris.
16 picks later (stretching, but still) — Jimmy Buckets. If you’re going to have an asshole on your team, at least make sure he is good.
What I’m saying is — never eat at this location of the Smith. Go to literally any other restaurant in the area.
And overall — only have one minutes eating PF on your bad team. MLB teams don’t stockpile 5th starters, and you shouldn’t stockpile 8th men.
Standout item: the cheese grits. These are actually quite good.
Best for: when you are hungover and literally can’t think of another place to eat food. Man-on-man violence. Pretending to be a Stretch 4. Getting traded for two 2025 2nd round picks.
JD: If there ever was a place to run into a passionate trio of Garden protectors, it would be The Smith(s). And I am sure they take the entire menu medium rare to prove toughness, contract value, etc.
Next on our Knicks crawl, Grab a slab of meat with Wayne Ellington at Brother Jimmy’s.
Have you ever wanted to imbibe and absorb in every mainstream cliché at once? Let out your inner Barstool? Just be absolutely, dare I say, basic?
If “yas queen” is your answer then let’s head to any Brother Jimmy’s franchise, the equivalent to New York Knicks 10th man Wayne Ellington.
Wayne Ellington was the templated shooting guard we all wanted. A smooth sniper that brought a blue blood, UNC, a national championship in his upperclassmen years. Wayne Ellington, a typical basketball player and not much else. Brother Jimmy’s, a typical sports roadhouse and not much else. When you head to the well people, you are going to come back with a well drink, OK?
It’s easy, mindless, cheap, and provides too much comfort. Gimme Three Steps, amirite Wayne? But you are not exactly progressing as a human or franchise, instead wading through life hoping that Union Square keg stands could become a sign of dominance at some point.
And Brother Jimmy’s is shuttering NYC franchises at an alarming rate, too similar to Sir Ellington’s usage. Quality over quantity of shots in both cases.
Standout item: BJ’s Pulled Pork BBQ Sandwich with a side of Mac N’ Cheese hits the spot when you haven’t eaten by 2 PM.
Best for: Mid-day, mid-work major sports events. Post-volleyball league beers. A lack of shared plates and passes. Guys in their 30s still talking about their 20s. Not trying to play in Europe.
CP: This makes me very happy. You compared a UNC player to the worst restaurant chain in New York. That’s perfect. Thank you.
At this risk of this delving too far into depths of Sad Knicksdom, I’ll take this opportunity to highlight one of their only assets, R.J. Barrett.
Come drink half pours of good beer with R.J. Barrett at Joseph Leonard.
This is not to be taken lightly. Joseph Leonard is my go-to restaurant for any non-celebration meal out in NYC. In the West Village on a weekend, need a snack before your table at Via Carota is ready? Need a slightly upscale version of the Popeyes chicken sandwich (#ad) to stave off a hangover? Want to impress your boss by suggesting a hip, but not too hip, place for dinner? Joseph Leonard is good for all of these.
But, it is always outranked by trendier places in both NYC rankings and group decisions on where to dine.
Similarly, R.J. Barrett spent his only season in college being (rightfully) outshone by our lord and savior, Zion. While Zion scores efficiently, dunked everything in sight, and was such a joy to watch, R.J.’s throwback game wasn’t as successful. He could shoot, but not well enough to space the floor, and playmake, but not effectively enough to run the offense through.
The consensus was that he was just fine, where Zion would be a generational prospect. That might be true, but Barrett is still damn good at what he does.
He has a little throwback to his game, but it’s clear that he, unlike some other Kobe/MJ clones, is willing to change his game.
Through 16 NBA games, he’s averaging almost 4 assists, and shooting 35% on three 3s a game. As he matures, he will need to crank that volume up, replace some 2s with 3s, and make more than 50% of his free throws.
But, the bones of a second tier star are there. He can top out somewhere between DeMar Derozan and Paul George. Maybe a better playmaking Pascal Siakam.
That’s a damn good player, and Joseph Leonard is a damn good restaurant, even if it’s overshadowed.
Standout item: I cannot tell you how good the hash brown is. Have you ever had a McDonalds’ hash brown? It’s a perfect dog-paw shaped potato wafer that is literally the most perfect vessel for fancy sauce ever conceived. The Joseph Leonard hash brown is like that, but made by professional cooks and ever better. The outside is so crispity and craggy. It’s seriously the best thing in the world. (also the aforementioned chicken sandwich is great). You aren’t going to JL for health food and R.J. may give you some empty calorie stats.
Best for: day dates, long twos and tiny beers, solving the “I’m starving and there are too many great restaurants around to pick from” feeling, staving off a sense of existential dread (eg that the Knicks will ever be good again or the Sunday Scaries).
JD: Excellent, tender takes there Cooks.
Anytime you can draft a borderline all-star, or experience a low-stress high-grade meal, you pounce on the opportunity. Never introduce chaos, only confront it if introduced.
Let’s head down south why don’t we?
Delight yourself in affordable escargots with Frank Ntilikina at Le French Diner
Frankie Smokes! And if there ever was a neighborhood to take a nice long drag while gazing at a starless night, it is the Lower East Side. What Le French Diner provides us is a chance to taste thoughtful French delicacies at a reasonable price. And if the wait is too long, or if the kitchen catches on fire, or any other catastrophe that derails your dinner plans, it’s fine. It was a low bar. It was casual. There was only upside.
Ntilikina offers the Knicks province the same situation. While a high-draft pick, Frank was considered a “hidden gem” that vaulted him into a one-part project and one-part mystery that had every owner sweating that they would be remembered as the one that couldn’t spot the next big thing. And while it looks like he will never reach the impact of a Giannis, Luka, or even Gobert, a franchise can be comfortable with his consistent effort and wide set of skill potential.
Frankie Smokes has climbed towards an intriguing and controversial stat line: 6.7 PPG, 3.6 APG, 2.3 RPG, 1.5 SPG, 0.6 BPG, 33% from downtown, 77% from the stripe
And this is averaging 27.2 minutes per game, making us ponder if he should play more or less.
Should Le French Diner expand? Or is there 3 table/10 bar seat setup exactly where we want them to be? The same question applies.
He’s not going to show up on any preseason MVP lists, or ever be the feature of blockbuster trade that rocks the Western Conference suburbs. We have to be ok with this, and celebrate The French Prince and the entertainment he humbly provides.
Standout item: Hangar Steak. You watch all the action here since the kitchen is a couple stovetops almost within arms reach. Each time is forged just right with the perfect amount of blue cheese and onions crumbled on top as you rightfully euro-step each bite into your mouth.
Best for: taking a gamble on a project, nicotine and socca de nice, long arms and long contract debates, not eating dollar pizza and tacos+margs in the LES, a true steal
CP: John — I wanted to dislike this, but I couldn’t. As you know, I think comparing players to cuisines from their home countries is like comparing DeMar DeRozan to Kobe because they are similar height and shoot long 2s. It is usually a bad idea. But, this was *chefs kiss noise*. Thank you for your service and proving me wrong.
I’ll continue down the path of fun Knicks and grab a slice at Joe’s Pizza with Mitchell Robinson.
Let me say this first: Joe’s Pizza is the best slice place in the world. Scarr’s is trendy, has custom Nikes and is on Alex Delany’s Instagram, but Joe’s is the classic. You can also go there, then to Faiccos for an Italian sub in what I have affectionately dubbed the Bobby Baccala-ureate. (if you didn’t watch The Sopranos, google “fat Bobby sopranos”).
So how did Mitchell Robinson become a slice of pizza? Well, he had the potential to be a great defensive player, but not a Gobert-level shot blocker or rim runner. As such, he probably tops out at “very good starter” or “4th best guy on a title team”. That’s great! But that’s also bad. He is going to cost $25 million a year when his rookie deal is up. How do you think the Rockets or Thunder feel about Steven Adams or Clint Capela’s contracts right now? Bad, that’s how.
So, as a slice of pizza, Mitchell Robinson is great. Once he becomes priced like a steak, let him walk and find another very tall bouncy person to play center for you cheaply.
Standout item: 1 slice of cheese (a block) and 1 pepperoni (a dunk). Literally nothing else.
Best for: it’s 3am and you’re in the West Village, showing your parents “authentic New York pizza”, pictures of old celebrities, overblown expectations, knocking over tourists.
JD: “So how did Mitchell Robinson become a slice of pizza?”
Might have found our title Cooks.
Up next let’s have a forgetful meal at ABC Kitchen with Damyean Dotson
One of the downsides of consistently dining in the Big Apple is that there is so much competition, and so many consumed dishes, that you’ll have to blow away a customer for them to even remember the experience six months later.
And one of the downsides of being a bench guard for the New York Knicks in the 21st century, is that there are so many stars in the league, and Knicks fans have short attention spans and tempers, so you’ll have to blow away a fan base for them to even remember you the next season.
Damyean Dotson might as well be one of those auto-generated athletes on Madden that has “Player” on the back of the jersey, especially during these strange transition years.
ABC Kitchen might as well be an auto-generated restaurant that combines aspects of what a restaurant should be near Flatiron/Union Square.
It is a restaurant. You are having dinner.
Damyean Dotson is a shooting guard. He plays basketball for the Knicks some nights.
Standout item: The arugula and brussels sprouts salad. Seems safe.
Best for: your group requiring a sit-down experience and nothing else, forever staying out of the spotlight but also competing at the highest level, spending your entire career with the Knicks, University of Oregon alumni
CP: This might be the most biting portion yet. I feel bad for Damyean’s family.
Next up, slide on down to Javelina with Iggy Brazdeikas.
What? How is this possible? All the incredible Central and Eastern European foods in New York City and Iggy Brazdeikas is Tex Mex? Well, yes. And I’ll tell you why.
First, the best Eastern European food is at Veselka. That is Ukrainian and they are in the news enough right now. Second, our boy Iggy is Lithuanian and I have never eaten at a Lithuanian establishment.
So, why Tex Mex? Well, New York has garbage Tex Mex and everyone was very excited by the glimmers of hope provided by Javelina. Sadly, Javelina is not a good place for a meal, or really for anything besides feeling terrible afterwards and upset you had to be near so many loud girls from Dallas.
Iggy is the same thing. He had some dunks in summer league that people were excited about, but ultimately he is not good. He is just another run-of-the-mill player who Knicks fans will get too excited about, and who will ultimately disappoint.
Hopefully one day NYC will get the Tex Mex deliciousness they truly deserve. Don’t come at me with Rio Grande—that restaurant literally has a “border” in the kitchen between TX and Mexico and I’m shocked there have not been protests.
Mindaugus Kuzminskas was also Javelina.
Standout menu item: literally nothing.
Best for: being sad, watery margaritas and cheese that tastes like dirt. Looking good but being bad. Corner 3s.
JD: Dallas y’all. I remember that time we want to Dallas (shout-out to Kegan who has a 4% open rate) and I thought it was hilarious to call you Dallas Carter.
Anyway, I don’t think Tex Mex is destined to ever work in New York. Sorry Big Apple boys, you can’t have it all.
Let’s try something that you feel like you have done a million times but worked somewhere else so maybe it’ll be nice in this new spot at Anton’s with Julius Randle.
This summer Julius Randle agreed to three-year, $63 million deal to usher in this new (since failed) era of Knicks glory which left us all thinking…Haven’t we seen all this before?
We are dining at Anton’s because this is too familiar of a concept that can be executed immediately, giving patrons/fans immediate pleasure.
It all feels like we’re not really stretching any boundaries. It’s comfortable because points and rebounds are showing up in box scores. He was once a Laker. There’s a left-handed twist that appeals to the kinky sect of fans.
So there’s never going to an uproar that this outrageous concept was a waste of time and money.
Anton’s is a new upscale Italian spot in the West Village from the people behind the Franks restaurants, so nothing that will turn the restaurant industry on its head. The clientele roaming these caverns are exactly who you’d think they be. And I’m not sure you are going to tell anyone about the dinner unless prompted to do so.
Standout menu item: bucatini baczynski, it’ll get the job done.
Best for: candles at every table, Randles on every rebound, cold martinis, cold stares from the front office after 30 point losses to the Heat, double-doubles, double dates
CP: Sitting in Kegan’s desk at Enterprise was the highlight of that trip. Also, how shiny all the building were. Oil, y’all!
As we get closer to our final meals, step into “Any Restaurant You Have Exclusively Seamlessed From and Been Disappointed By” with Kevin Knox.
Kevin Knox is the human embodiment of a disappointing Seamless order.
Found a great deal on sushi? Turns out the rolls are super small and the salad is literally just 8 leaves of iceberg lettuce.
Hungover and need a breakfast sandwich? Sorry, we forgot to put the egg on it.
Craving Thai? Whoops, your Drunken Noodles are actually a one noodle block that you have to cut like Karen’s Ziti.
Like these orders, Kevin is a tease.
He looks like a perfect NBA 4. He has a pretty jumper, is freaking huge, and can dribble a little bit. If you told me that in 4 years Kevin Knox was Rudy Gay, I wouldn’t be totally shocked.
But, Kevin could do so much better. And, you were promised so much better by the 831 other people who gave China Star a 4.5 star rating and only 1 dollar sign.
He’s actually regressed from last season, but I will give him a slight pass on that, as we have listed 4 (!) power forwards who were signed ahead of him.
But, he is shooting 38% from 2 and 34% from 3 for an eFG% of 45%. His defense remains bad (115 DRtg).
Some good news—he has increased his assists while decreasing turnovers. His offensive rating has jumped from 93 to 102. And his BPM (box plus minus, measures how effective he is vs. league average) is -3.6. That seems bad, but he was -6.0 as a rookie.
You could chalk this up to reduced usage, but Some improvement is real. However, I worry he is basically Cam Reddish. And, even though Cam Reddish is a rookie, I’m convinced he will never be good. Kevin may be on the same track.
However, as you’re stuck with Seamless, the Knicks need Kevin to pop for them to have any semblance of being good. Pair a PG who can make spot up 3s with RJ, Kevin, Mitchell and a shooter, and the Knicks have the makings of an actual functioning basketball team.
Man, the Knicks are bleak.
JD: Kevin will soon have a 1 dollar sign next to his name if he doesn’t show signs of improvement. Zing baby!
Even though I’ve lost my appetite at this point, let’s look the other way and have a deceitful dine at La Marina with Dennis Smith Jr.
Even though former N.C. State basketball star Dennis Smith Jr. denies he or his family ever received a $40,000 payment Adidas secret agents during the recruiting process to get him to play for the Wolfpack, we don’t believe him.
Smith has also said in the past that he “knew how to help himself financially” and that he would resell the “exclusive shoes and gear” he received from Adidas, the shoe and apparel company that has a multimillion contract with N.C. State and sponsored his AAU team.
And the drama just can’t quite stay away from Dennis the Menace. He more or less forced a trade away from Dallas. And there’s constant rumblings on his ability to mesh with the Knicks locker room.
The scandalous uptown party spot, La Marina, was forced to close its doors earlier this year after a long line of lawsuits and scandals associated the restaurant. Even with all the potential in the world due to its location and popular clientele, you have to play by the rules like everyone else.
Unfortunately all this extra baggage might call for this once-heralded basketball star to shut down years before his camp would like.
Standout menu item: drugs
Best for: scandals, bankruptcy
CP: J.D. — on that designer drug filled rant, I think we end this post.
To all the readers who made it to the end (Hi Hurst!), please join all Knicks players not mentioned in this post for a round of sushi and a tall boy Coors at Penn Station in December 23rd. Truly New York’s saddest meal.
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