J.D. Crabtree: Cooks,
Over the past month basketball has further positioned itself as the premier sports product in 2020, and beyond. And I’m seeing this at all levels of the game.
This was capped by the best all-star game, in any sport, we have seen in quite some time. Rolling out an Elam ending is one thing, showcasing the will to innovate, but for it to be such a success that the rule change caused the arena to feel like a Game 7 is pure magic by Adam Silver and crew.
The college basketball scene is being spearheaded by a 22-1 Baylor Bears team, which is a group of vagabonds via transfers and junior college hoopers. This means we are drifting further away of blue bloods paying renting recruiting the best players and auto-dominating the conference top-to-bottom each year. Innovation and adaptability with your roster is what will reign supreme. Read: more inclusive.
The prep scene generates more buzz than all the other sports combined. These kids can hoop.
And one unfortunate event, though enlightening in other ways, was the death of Kobe Bryant. A magnitude of shock the sports world has never experience before.
We never wish for these circumstances, but I found a silver lining Carter. I was inspired to see the world unite near and far to show how his career, basketball being the vehicle, inspired so many walks of life. Athletes. Artists. Average Joes. Everyone found the way he approached basketball at minimum impressed.
With baseball continuing to free-fall (Thanks Astros!), football trying to understand and/or cover up how much brain damage it causes, hockey being regional, and soccer forever having its portion of the pie, basketball is the one sport that has true, exciting expansion on the horizon.
Moving on, you’ve cooked up a little game for us haven’t you?
Carter Pearson: I have. I want to talk about America’s real past time: NBA Jam. For those of you who don’t… actually, we don’t need to do that. If you’re one of the lucky 47 people who read this, you know what NBA Jam is.
So, who is the best team in the NBA for NBA Jam? I’m cheating and excluding the LA teams because this is my game and I can do what I want. They also would clearly be the best and that would make this “zero fun, sir” in the words of Petey Jones to Coach Boone.
So, how does one construct a great NBA Jam team? You need power and you need shooting. Defense (blocks and steals) are important, but not mandatory. This is a game that rewards extremes.
So, I’m going extreme (and extremely likely to piss you off). The Pelicans would be the best NBA team and the best players would be Zion and JJ.
(I promise I did not come up with this concept for this take, it just came to me like a beautiful vision as I was typing).
The ratings in the game are Speed, 3 Point, Dunk, Pass, Power, Steal, Block, and Clutch.
My ratings for my Team are as follows. 8 is the best for some reason in NBA Jam.
JJ is…
Speed: 2
3 Point: 8
Dunk: -100
Pass: 5
Power: 1
Steal: 3
Block: 1
Clutch: 8 (fight me)
Zion is…
Speed: 6
3 Point: 2
Dunk: 1000
Pass: 5
Power: 8
Steal: 6
Block: 7
Clutch: 6
That team will rain fire on you from deep (ZION MADE HIS FIRST FOUR NBA THREES) and Zion will continue his ascent to the face of the NBA by dunking in your from half court.
I am very excited for you to absolutely eviscerate this take.
xx
Cookie
JD: You know what sir, I respect you bringing Zion and JJ to a gunfight.
It seems as if you went outside the Jam boundaries and gave Zion a 1000 dunk rating. Not sure what you want me with do this once the initial rage settled, elevate one of my own choices to astronomical heights? No! Unlike most Duke fans I will use rationality to prevail. I, Carter, choose to live in reality.
NBA Jam is built on power and speed. All gas, no breaks. So Jonathan Clay Redick is your downfall here. Any team that presses your Pelicans squad (a press in NBA Jam is having strong guys turbo push the ball-handlers till a turnover takes place) will be collecting 2 on 1s the entire evening. JJ can’t be “clutch” if he’s on the ground 70 feet from the basket.
The best NBA Jam team is of course the Miami Heat. And my lineup is Jimmy Butler and Bam Adebayo:
Jimmy Buckets is…
Speed: 6
3 Point: 5
Dunk: 6
Pass: 5
Power: 6
Steal: 8
Block: 6
Clutch: 5
Bam is…
Speed: 6
3 Point: 2
Dunk: 7
Pass: 5
Power: 8
Steal: 7
Block: 7
Clutch: 6
It’s simply too much testosterone and turbo for any team to handle, especially considering their ability to dunk and defend at elite levels.
Turbo. Steal. Oop. Slam. Then sit there and wait for the next inbound.
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p.s. If anyone hasn’t played around with the NBA Jam Soundboard on this virus-filled website, well, your loss, for all hard-drives involved. And if you’re like me, full of humanly mistakes throughout their day, you’ll accidentally press the “Boomshakalaka” in the office realizing your AirPods are synced to your phone and not your laptop.
Now that that’s decided, tell me which current roster would produce the worst Jam combination?
CP: I hate your reasoning on the Pelicans, but agree with it. Bam and Jimmy would likely run my team off the court. But, I’d have way more fun even in a losing effort. Also, once every 5 games JJ would get on fire in 2 of 4 quarters and you would lose your shit as I made 75 footers.
The worst team is the Chicago Bulls.
I would maybe take Yates Marr and Joe Garvey over Coby White and Lauri Markanaan. At least Joe and Yates can run a competent pick and pop.
While your designation of speed as important would seem to make Coby a “good” Jam player, the fact that he can do literally nothing besides run fast makes him bad.
And in NBA Jam, Lauri is basically a way worse JJ. It doesn’t matter that he can theoretically protect the rim if everyone is running past him for dunks. On 3s, I think he gets wildly overrated because he is a tall white guy. Just because Dirk can shoot does not mean Lauri and Dragan Bender are going to win any 3 Point contests.
Now — who is your worst roster?
Also — have any real life basketball things piqued your interest this week?
JD: Ya, imagining Coby White maxing out his turbo with minimal results seems like it would get old fast.
The worst team is the Charlotte Hornets.
Here’s the issue. Devonte Graham, Terry Rozier, Miles Bridges, PJ Washington, Cody Zeller, and Malik Monk are all nice basketball players, but they are going to be worse than the opposing power couple from any other NBA roster. I’m not sure any of those mentioned players have a “7” Jam rating in any category. Maybe Scary Terry in speed?
Let’s say you go with Graham and Bridges, the best on paper for their frontcourt and backcourt. You will simply score less points, gather less loose balls, and see less “He’s on fire!”s then the opponent. And that’s how you lose in NBA Jam. The game is A –> B in every aspect, and those players don’t get you there fast enough.
Alright, who is the player everyone should be talking about but isn’t? Basically who is the weird player you can keep in your back pocket that translates too well to NBA Jam’s world, in return leaving your opponent dumbfounded every time he lights it up.
CP: Okay – I like this. My back pocket NBA Jam gawd is Devin Booker. I’ve never been the swiftest on the sticks in NBA Jam, meaning I need someone who can shoot really well and handle acceptably. I don’t care about passing because you aren’t facing complex screen and roll covers in NBA Jam. Devin “I skipped the World Championships” Booker fits the bill perfectly. He can shoot the lights out, handle well enough to not get ripped every play, and throw lobs to DeAndre Ayton… a sneaky good NBA Jam Big given his range and combination of speed and power.
Overall, I think the Suns are one of the teams likely to be much better in NBA Jam than in real life. They are sort of the reverse Raptors in this sense. I think an Ayton-Booker team likely stomps on a Lowry-Siakam team in NBA Jam, but the Raptors are going to win like 45 more games than the Suns this year…
This seems like a good time to point out that we’ve taken a bit of a hiatus, like the rest of the world. Stay tuned very shortly for a special “Love (and Basketball) in the Time of Corona” issue on news stands shortly.
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